


Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom

by stopwatch_plz (immiscibility)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-06-11
Updated: 2009-06-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 13:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/177282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immiscibility/pseuds/stopwatch_plz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The final few days from Castiel’s POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom

Title: Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to SPN - However, I do own many of the wrongs :D  
Word Count: 730  
Summary: The final few days from Castiel’s POV

  
  
Castiel had spent his entire existance taking orders, and had never thought anything of it. From the very first moment when his being was poured into existence he had faith. Faith which pulled him through battles, bloody and victorious, exalting God in his actions. Faith in the way his brothers and sisters were led, alone or together, seeking solace in each others company and the knowledge they were doing their Father’s work. If he’d been able to, he would have said he enjoyed the comfort of it all, the peace of mind he got from knowing his place and that of others around him, whether through watching over a special child or cutting great paths through a righteous battlefield.

In Heaven there were no favorites, only hierarchies. You took orders from your superiors, and gave orders to your subordinates. That was the way it worked. He never felt wrong about giving or taking orders, content with them both. He never knew there was anything more. Before… before, he would think nothing of being told to be quiet, or to stand still, or to stay behind his superiors. Because he had Faith that what he was doing was True and Just and the Will of God.

Now he doesn’t know anymore.

They all knew that doubt was the first step to Falling. If there had been such a thing as angel Bible class that would’ve been first on the list. Doubt and Disobedience

Humans had always intrigued Castiel. He would amuse himself for hours when off-duty by watching them, lives unfurling out in front of him like huge sails on ships, catching the wind. He would watch the rich and the poor, the happy and the sad, the brave and the cowardly, all with the same eyes. He didn’t understand what made them do the things they did, but he respected them. But the more time he had spent with the Winchesters, the more he began to understand these people, and the more he began to doubt his path.

As Uriel started bad-mouthing humans, Castiel was shocked. He was close to committing blasphemy, insulting the work of their Father, for they were made in His image. Despite their faults, they were God’s creations, and they should revere them as such. When he discovered Uriel’s true direction he was broken in two, right down the middle, and he almost wept in confusion. Everything he had known, everything he had honored and believed in was being torn apart and he no longer knew where he stood.

When Zachariah took him under his wing, Castiel was relieved – finally, here was someone who would take charge, give him duties and restore order. But after the fleeting moment of hope, came despair. He hadn’t been saved, merely transferred to someone who would ensure his silence. His actions hadn’t gone unnoticed, his closeness to the humans – Dean especially – had, unbeknown to him, caused an uproar. Humans may have been made in their Father’s image, but they were not to be interfered with.

And they were certainly not to be sympathized with.

He wasn’t sure if it was some kind of punishment to be so humiliated in front of Dean. The fact he considered it humiliating only troubled him more. Surely he should be fine with taking orders from Zachariah? After all, he was Castiel’s superior. But when he was forced to stand in silence, chastened and impotent, listening to Zachariah’s empty words to Dean on the eve of their certain destruction, he could feel no more than shame and frustration and anger.

None of these befitted an angel of the Lord.

Which is probably why he did what he did next. In a fit of desperation he acted, sliced open his arm and used his life-force to shove Zachariah back to Heaven. The final chain had been broken and there was no going back. If Castiel had been under watchful eyes before, then now he was topping Heaven’s most wanted list.

And he couldn’t care less.

As he stood in Chuck’s kitchen, he realized that this was really what it was about. Although he was facing certain death, he’d never been surer of himself. Regardless of what happened, after this day he would never be the same and he tipped up his chin to face the battle.

Rather to die in freedom than live in slavery.


End file.
